Prometheus – what a pile of shite
Given that Alien: Covenant is coming out soon (and yes, my bar is set very low) I thought I might repost this from when I originally saw the execrable Prometheus. The only reason I’m really reposting it is because sadly, June 2012 was one of the archives lost in the recent hack and rebuild, and this was one of my greatest rants.
Originally posted on June 17th, 2012:
Blade Runner is still the greatest movie of all time. Alien is still the benchmark movie by which all space-horror should be measured. It’s hard to believe that the man who brought us these amazing films is also responsible for the execrable mess that is the long-awaited Prometheus. I saw this movie last night and I’m still angry about it. I had to teach a tai chi class this morning and it was hard because underlying my calm, professional exterior was a seething, unavoidable rage at a film that couldn’t have been more shit if it actually tried to be the shittest film ever made. There will be spoilers here, but don’t worry – you should save your money and not see the film anyway. But I’m assuming most people have seen it already.
From a simple film-making point of view, it was a stunning achievement. The design, the effects, the atmosphere were all excellent. But that matters not when the story makes no sense. Seriously, a script written by randomly pulling letter tiles from the Scrabble bag would be more coherent. Now, before anyone thinks I’m totally missing the point, I know it’s a massive allegory for Creationism with an extremely heavy Christian agenda, brutally mixed with various other mythologies. It is written by Damon Lindelof, after all, who brought us the atrociously unacceptable Christian Shepherd ending to Lost. (Talking of scripts that make no fucking sense.) That allegory would annoy me anyway, in this case even more so as it’s rammed down our throats like a face-huggers egg tube. But I might be prepared to forgive the great exogenesis bullshit if it was tied into a credible story. But it’s not. It’s so far from a credible story that the film should be called The Great Incredible Anti-Story.
It should have been awesome. The cast are one solid bunch of capable professionals, but they can’t be expected to save a film when the script is delivered to them as shit stains carefully shaped into letters on used toilet paper. That’s the only way I can imagine that this script was “written”. The character inconsistencies and plot holes in this film are breath-taking. I’ll just look at the first few things we see:
We open with a possible Earth and a huge, white, muscly alien dude drinking some goo that disintegrates him and seeds the planet with his DNA. Okay, I was prepared to buy that – there are surely better ways to mix their DNA with the goo, but if they use this whole sacrifice method, then sure. It’s absurd, but I’ll roll with for now.
Cut to humans investigating cave paintings. They spot a recurring theme – big dudes pointing at six dots. With absolutely no evidence or explanation whatsoever, this is interpreted by a Christian scientist as an invite by Von Daniken’s aliens to come and visit. Why!? What possible reason could there be to immediately assume that’s an invite? Well, we’re told later in the film, “Because that’s what I choose to believe.” Fuuuuuck!
Anyway, this is enough to trigger a trillion dollar expedition to the planet in question. Wait, they found a planet in the vastness of infinite interstellar space using a cave painting of six dots? Yes, they did. Apparently. Because “plot”.
So they fly there and there’s this moon, right, and that’s where they’ve been invited to. So they break orbit, cruise in, see a big mountain and say, “Let’s cruise that valley.” They turn a corner and voila! There’s the alien installation. How do you instantly find the correct valley on a planet the SIZE OF A PLANET!? On top of this, we later learn that this isn’t the homeworld of these big, white, muscly alien sacrificial DNA vendors, but it’s actually a massive production depot for weapons of mass destruction that they intend to use to destroy humanity. Why did the cave paintings “invite” humans to their massive WMD moon? What the fuck possible reason could they have for that? Anyway, back to the timeline. (Bear in mind that I’m only a few minutes into the film at this point.)
The crew immediately decide to explore this installation and send off these 3D mapping drones. Without waiting for the mapping to be finished or for any explanation of why the air is suddenly breathable and not full of pathogens, they take off their helmets and start running around inside, because complete lack of science or any kind of brain.
Suddenly and for no discernible reason, a holographic history lesson starts up and tells them things they need to know, because “plot”. Incidentally, this same inexplicable hologram happens later, giving androidDavid the password flute tune he needs to operate all the things. Yes, you read that right. Aliens with massively advanced technology turn their computer systems on with a quick tootle on a flute. Sure, that could be conceived as a very clever password system, assuming you don’t have a randomly triggered hologram show up and give that password to anyone who happens to come along. Why were there holograms of past events showing up all over the place!?
Anyway, back to the opening twenty minutes of the film. Our intrepid selection of the most unscientific scientists ever assembled discover the fossilised remains of a big alien. The geologist immediately freaks out and says, “I’m only here for money and rocks, fuck this noise” and says he’s going back to the ship. He asks if anyone else is going and the biologist says, “Yep, fuck this noise.” The biologist! The one who is presumably along on the trip because he’s really into biology and that, yet he’s not going to investigate a new, alien species. So off they fuck. And even though the geologist is the one with the mapping drones, and even though those drones are live-feeding a three-dimensional layout of the entire complex to the ship, and even though the ship is in constant contact with everyone and can see on the map exactly where everyone is at all times, the geologist and the biologist get lost and inexplicably left behind.
They end up stuck there as a convenient plotstorm comes out of nowhere and decide to wait it out in a scary room full of inexplicably replicating alien goo. Then a weird alien snake thing appears. The biologist, who was moments ago terrified of a 2,000 year old fossilised humanoid, is suddenly and inexplicably besotted with this up-standing, threatening, hooded, hissing alien snake thing. After all, he’s a biologist, so he’d know you never have to be concerned when a snake thing that pops out its hood stands up and starts hissing at you. That’s completely unthreatening. So he tries to play with it and it kills him. And sprays acid blood on the geologist. All because “plot”, of course. Incidentally, said geologist, who dies facedown in the goo, comes back later as a violent zombie-hulk thing. For no reason at all he travels back to the ship all folded over like some contortion-zombie showing off his crazy, uncanny crab walk, then just stands up and fights everyone like a normal zombie-hulk until he’s burned to a crisp. And just going back to that snake thing – where did it come from anyway? We can only assume it spontaneously evolved from the black goo in a couple of hours because.
Anyway, I’m going to stop now. You’ll have a pretty good idea of just how fucking awful this movie is and I’ve barely scratched the surface of plot holes and character stupidity – people who see worms in their eyes but don’t seek medical help, for example. Or people who die because they can’t turn left or right while running. And so on. Not to mention the complete lack of any consistency in any of the “science” randomly thrown at the film like poo from the monkey cage.
Other people have done excellent work deconstructing this piece of shite from various angles:
This post explores the massively mysoginistic plot basis.
And this four minute video covers a lot, but certainly not all, of the plot holes and nonsensical “story”:
I am so fucking angry with Ridley Scott right now. After being so excited about this movie, it couldn’t have been worse if it tried.
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The Book Club is nearly here
I was very excited when PS Publishing posted these photos yesterday. My new novella, The Book Club, is a real thing! PS do wonderful folio hardcovers and this is mine. It’ll also be available in a limited signed edition, restricted to only 100 copies. And the ebook will be released once the hardcover goes live, I’m told. It’s a thing of beauty, the cover art by Ben Baldwin. The story can maybe best be described as Gone Girl with cosmic horror. I really hope people enjoy it – the early pre-orders are apparently being fulfilled right now.
To get your copy, go here: http://www.pspublishing.co.uk/the-book-club-hardcover-by-alan-baxter-4248-p.asp
I’ll be over here happy dancing.
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New website, all shiny like.
So we’ve finally sorted out all the problems and the new website is up and running. Huge thanks to my friend, Michael Fridman, for his help. And to James and Sam Frost for their help in the past and recently. The new theme and style is pretty cool, I think. As far as I know, the site is 99% operational. I’m aware of a couple of broken links on the Crow Shine page, but otherwise everything should be working fine. If you find any broken links, or pages that don’t load and so on, please do let me know. I really hope you don’t!
Meanwhile, enjoy, and come chat with me on social media. Those little icons along the top of the page are quick links to my Twitter, Facebook, and so forth.
I’ve decided not to catch up on missed blogging, as so much has happened. High points are winning the Australian Shadows Award for Best Collected Work for Crow Shine, being a finalist in three categories in the Aurealis Awards (Three! What the actual fuck?) Though I didn’t win any of those, I was up for Best Collection for Crow Shine, Best Horror Novella for “Served Cold”, and Best Fantasy Novella for “Raven’s First Flight”. Amazing. “Served Cold” was also a finalist for the Paul Haines Award for Long Fiction. And now Crow Shine is a finalist in Best Collected Work in the Ditmar Awards. Just wonderful. So if you’re eligible to vote in the Ditmars, please do! Another recent high point was being a Guest of Honour at Swancon in Perth, which was huge fun.
I do plan to get back to blogging all the interesting stuff again now that I finally have a working site back, so check in from time to time. However, if you want regular updates of new stuff that’s happening, sign up for my email newsletter. It only goes out once a month, if that. Go to the home page and scroll down to the bottom there for the sign up form. I won’t spam you or sell your details, I promise.
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Ongoing site problems
My site was hacked towards the end of last year and we’ve been working really hard to fix the problem. It seems that it’s mostly fixed, but some people are still having issues. While we’ve been tidying up the last problems, nothing has been updated for a fair while, so some pages are a bit out of date and blogging has ground to a halt. I’ll do my best to catch up once everything is fixed, but in the meantime, please watch my social media for news – Twitter and Facebook are the main places to find me. Anything you need, hit me up via those places or email me at [email protected]
Hopefully normal service will resume before too long!
Bound is international! And another Year’s Best.
It’s been a long time coming, but Bound: Alex Caine Book 1, is finally available EVERYWHERE! In paperback and ebook with that sweet cover by Shawn King, you can buy it wherever you usually shop. Your local bookstore may have it, but if not they can order it in for you. Same goes for your library. US and UK peeps especially, if you’re a library goer, please ask your local library to get it in. That’s a huge benefit to authors in terms of discoverability.
So tell your friends and family, colleagues at work, that one bloke with the weird dog across the road. Hell, even tell that guy who loiters in alleys and shouts at the bins. Tell everyone! And if you read it and enjoy it, I’d love it if you could leave a quick Amazon and/or Goodreads review. Those things really do help. If you get the paperback, post a pic on your social media with it, because I haven’t seen one yet.
And in some other awesome news, Ticonderoga have announced their latest volume of the Year’s Best Australian Fantasy & Horror, and it includes my cosmic weird pirate story, “The Chart of the Vagrant Mariner”. Such an honour and the rest of the stories in it are amazing. You can pre-order that one here.
The stories are:
Joanne Anderton, “2B”
Alan Baxter, “The Chart of the Vagrant Mariner”
Deborah Biancotti, “Look How Cold My Hands Are”
Stephen Dedman, “Oh, Have You Seen The Devil”
Erol Engin, “The Events at Callan Park”
Jason Fischer, “The Dog Pit”
Dirk Flinthart, “In the Blood”
Kimberley Gaal, “In Sheep’s Clothing”
Stephanie Gunn, “The Flowers That Bloom Where Blood Touches Earth”
Lisa Hannett, “Consorting With Filth”
Robert Hood, “Double Speak”
Kathleen Jennings, “A Hedge of Yellow Roses”
Maree Kimberley, “Ninehearts”
Jay Kristoff, “Sleepless”
Martin Livings, “El Caballo Muerte”
Danny Lovecraft, “Reminiscences of Herbert West”
Kirstyn McDermott, “Self, Contained”
Sally McLennan, “ Mr Schmidt’s Dead Pet Emporium”
DK Mok, “Almost Days”
Faith Mudge, “Blueblood”
Samantha Murray, “Half Past”
Jason Nahrung, “Night Blooming”
Garth Nix, “The Company of Women”
Anthony Panegyres, “Lady Killer”
Rivqa Rafael, “Beyond the Factory Wall”
Deborah Sheldon, “Perfect Little Stitches”
Angela Slatter, “Bluebeard’s Daughter”
Cat Sparks, “Dragon Girl”
Lucy Sussex, “Angelito”
Anna Tambour, “Tap”
Kaaron Warren, “Mine Intercom”
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Awards eligibility post
I always appreciate it when people post around this time and remind me what work they’ve released the previous year that’s eligible for awards. It’s a good reminder so we know we haven’t missed anything when we’re making our Stoker Award, Hugo, Nebula, Ditmar, etc. recommendations or votes. So here’s my post with stuff released last year (2016) that’s eligible for those awards and others. If you’re a voting member or active in fandom and think any of this stuff is worthy, I thank you heartily in advance. And if you are eligible to nominate or vote in any awards, please do so! The awards are always better when more people are involved – it’s a truer representation of what’s good and popular in any given year.
Here’s my stuff:
COLLECTIONS:
Crow Shine (Ticonderoga Publications, November 2016) – I would love for this book to get some attention, and it also contained three original stories, listed below.
SHORT FICTION:
“Crow Shine” – Original story in my collection, Crow Shine (Ticonderoga Publications, November 2016)
“Old Magic Fades” – Original story in my collection, Crow Shine (Ticonderoga Publications, November 2016)
“A Strong Urge To Fly” – Original story in my collection, Crow Shine (Ticonderoga Publications, November 2016)
“Served Cold” – Novelette – Dreaming in the Dark anthology (ed. Jack Dann, PS Publishing, November 2016)
“Raven’s First Flight” – Novelette – SNAFU: Black Ops anthology (ed. G Brown & A J Spedding, Cohesion Press, December 2016)
“Bodies of Evidence” – In Your Face anthology (ed. Tehani Wesseley, Fablecroft Publications, June 2016)
“Under Calliope’s Skin” – SNAFU: Future Warfare anthology (ed. Geoff Brown and A J Spedding, Cohesion Press, May 2016)
“Golden Fortune, Dragon Jade” – Novelette – And Then… Vol. 1 anthology (ed. Lindy Cameron, Clan Destine Press, December 2016)
NOVELS:
Bound: Alex Caine Book 1 in the US and UK (Ragnarok Publications, December 2016) – I’ve put this last as it’s only eligible for awards that recognise first North American publication, as it came out in Australia in 2014, so it’s not new by the standards of most awards. I’m not entirely sure if there is anything like that, but there you go. I love this book, so it needs a mention.
So that’s my stuff. If you’re a writer and you’ve had publications, be sure to post about them. Fuck the haters who think it’s bad taste to post about your work like this – you’re damn right you should celebrate your kickass achievements. I’m bloody proud of mine. We work hard and should be able to enjoy that. If you’re a fan or reader, get involved with nominating and voting wherever you can.
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Crow Shine is released!
My debut collection of short fiction is out now. I’m so pleased this book is finally out in the world. All the various links are below. Here’s what some amazing people have been kind enough to say about the book:
“Alan Baxter is an accomplished storyteller who ably evokes magic and menace. Whether it’s stories of ghost-liquor and soul-draining blues, night club magicians, sinister western pastoral landscapes, or a suburban suicide–Crow Shine has a mean bite.”—Laird Barron, author of Swift to Chase.
“Crow Shine, by Alan Baxter, is a sweeping collection of horror and dark fantasy stories, packed with misfits and devils, repentant fathers and clockwork miracles. Throughout it all, Baxter keeps his focus on the universal problems of the human experience: the search for understanding, for justice, and for love. It’s an outstanding book.”—Nathan Ballingrud, author of North American Lake Monsters.
“Alan Baxter’s fiction is dark, disturbing, hard-hitting and heart-breakingly honest. He reflects on worlds known and unknown with compassion, and demonstrates an almost second-sight into human behaviour.”—Kaaron Warren, Shirley Jackson Award-winner and author of The Grief Hole.
You can find your copy at the following places:
Ticonderoga Publications – Paperback, hardcover or Limited Edition signed and numbered hardcover
Smashwords – all formats of ebook
If you read the book, I really hope you enjoy it. Tell your friends!
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Supanova Brisbane this weekend!
I’m super excited to be an author Supa-Star guest at Supanova again this year. This weekend I’ll be coming to Brisbane, then next weekend to Adelaide. The Adelaide schedule isn’t released yet, but Brisbane looks like heaps of fun. Other than being on author alley with so many cool guests (Peter V Brett, Matthew Reilly, Maria Lewis, Angela Slatter, Jane Abbott, Lian Hearn, and Kim Wilkins), there will also be a bunch of panels and a special Supa-Star Authors bookclub, where we talk about what we’re reading and what we recommend. Mad fun! There’s a Facebook announcement about that here.
The full event program for Supanova Brisbane is here.
So Brisbane, can’t wait to see you soon! Roll on Friday
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Horror Fiction and the Gothic at Carnes Hill Library
It’s good to have a Halloween event and this year I’m lucky to be involved with a great one! On Friday the 28th October, from 6pm until 8pm, I’ll be at Carnes Hill Library talking about horror fiction and the gothic with amazing talents Margo Lanagan, Robert Hood, Cat Sparks and Tony Thompson. For anyone interested, Tony will be running a workshop beforehand too. All the details are on the image below (click for a bigger version).
There’s a Facebook event here you can use as well, for details and reminders.
Dreaming In The Dark is coming!
So this is a book I’m really excited about and so proud to be in. Jack Dann is a legend in the field, someone who has been around and influential for decades. His own work as an author is stunning, and his work as an editor is globally lauded. He’s done a couple of “Dreaming” anthologies before (Dreaming Down Under and Dreaming Again, which you really should check out) so this is a bit like the third in an unofficial series. And check out that cover!
Here’s the official synopsis:
A celebration of Australia’s current Golden Age of science fiction, fantasy, horror, and magical realism. Jack Dann—the multi-award-winning author and co-editor of the classic Dreaming Down-Under, the anthology that “has been credited with putting Australian writing on the international map” and the first Australian book to win a World Fantasy Award—has collected a wonderfully eclectic range of short fiction that showcases what our best fantasists are doing right now at this genre-bending moment in time.
I think this is going to be one of those books that gathers heaps of attention, and with the list of authors included, it really should. Honestly, I’m humbled to be among them. Here’s the full table of Contents (not in final order):
Welcome to the Golden Age: An Introduction of Sorts—Jack Dann
Sing, My Murdered Darlings—Sean Williams
Falling Angel—Paul Brandon
Martian Triptych—James Bradley
Northerner’s Farewell—Rjurik Davidson
Midnight In The Graffiti Tunnel—Terry Dowling
A Right Pretty Mate—Lisa L. Hannett
Eromon No More—Jason Nahrung
Luv Story—Kim Westwood
The Luminarium Tower—Sean McMullen
Neither Time Nor Tears—Angela Slatter
His Shining Day—Richard Harland
The Liquid Palace—Adam Browne
Heat Treatment—Venero Armanno
Snowflakes All the Way Down—Rosaleen Love
Served Cold—Alan Baxter
The Dog Who’d Been Dead—Anna Tambour
Fade To Grey—Janeen Webb
All Those Superpowers and What Are They Good For?—Garth Nix
Burnt Sugar—Kirstyn McDermott
In Hornhead Wood—Kim Wilkins
Moonshine—Simon Brown
See what I mean? What a book. It’ll be coming out initially in two special editions, an unsigned jacketed hardcover (ISBN 978-1-848639-68-3) and a limited edition of 200 slip-cased jacketed hardcovers signed by all the contributors (ISBN 978-1-786360-17-5). I’m guessing an ebook and paperback edition will be coming at some point after that. All the details can be found at the publisher site here, PS Publishing. It’s out next month, so watch this space. Full wrap cover below (click for large view).
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